Sleep in the Garden

You’ve probably heard it a million times. “Just take a deep breath.” “Try some breathing exercises.” “Deep breathing will calm you down.”

Maybe you’ve tried it. You’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, so you take those big, deep breaths like you’re supposed to. But instead of feeling calmer, you feel worse. More anxious. Dizzy. Disconnected. Like you’re doing something wrong.

Here’s the truth: deep breathing doesn’t work for everyone, and it doesn’t work in every situation. And there’s nothing wrong with you if it makes things worse instead of better.

When Deep Breathing Backfires

For some people, focusing intensely on the breath actually increases anxiety rather than reducing it. When you’re already feeling panicky, paying close attention to breathing can make you hyperaware of your body in a way that feels scary.

You notice your heart rate. You feel your chest moving. You wonder if you’re doing it right. You worry that you’re not breathing correctly. Suddenly, you’re more anxious than when you started.

Deep breathing can also cause over breathing, or hyperventilation, if you take breaths too forcefully or quickly. Too much oxygen can make you feel lightheaded, dizzy, tingly, or disconnected, which is not exactly the calm, grounded feeling you were aiming for.

For people who have experienced trauma, especially trauma related to the chest or throat, focusing on breathing can sometimes trigger difficult memories or sensations. The body remembers, and sometimes breathwork inadvertently takes you to places you weren’t planning to go.

Your Nervous System Might Need Something Different

Here’s what a lot of breathing advice misses: if your nervous system is really activated or really shut down, breathing exercises alone might not bring you back to center.

When you’re in a high anxiety state, your body is flooded with stress hormones. Your system is revved up and ready for action. Sitting still and focusing on your breath might feel impossible because your body wants to move and discharge pent-up energy.

On the flip side, if you’re in a shutdown state, feeling numb or disconnected, deep breathing might make you feel even more spacey and far away. Your nervous system may need gentle activation, not more calming.

If your system feels stuck, a simple 5-minute nervous system reset can help you come back to center before trying any breathwork.

What to Try Instead

Movement often works better than stillness when you’re highly activated. Not intense exercise, just ways to let your body release energy. Shake your arms and legs. Dance to a song. Go for a walk. Do some jumping jacks. Let your body move the way it wants to move.

Grounding through your senses can also be effective. Bring your attention to what you can see, hear, touch, taste, or smell right now. Name five things you can see. Notice the texture of what you’re touching. Listen for the farthest sound you can hear. This brings you into the present moment without forcing you to focus on internal sensations.

Cold water can be a game changer. Splashing cold water on your face, holding ice cubes, or taking a cold shower activates your vagus nerve and shifts your nervous system. It’s hard to stay in a panicky loop when your face is suddenly cold.

Humming, singing, or making sounds also engages your vagus nerve. The vibration created by sound sends calming signals through your body. You don’t need to be a good singer. Just make some noise.

Gentle Alternatives to Deep Breathing

If you want to work with your breath but traditional deep breathing doesn’t help, try gentler approaches.

Instead of trying to control your breath, just notice it. Observe without changing anything. Where do you feel it most? Is it fast or slow? Shallow or deep? Curious observation is less activating than forcing the breath.

Extending your exhale slightly can be calming without big inhales. Breathe normally, then let your exhale be a little longer. Maybe count to three on the inhale and four or five on the exhale. Nothing dramatic, just a gentle signal of safety to your nervous system.

Some people find it easier to coordinate breath with movement. Walking and matching your steps to your breathing feels natural. Inhale for three steps, exhale for four. Your body is already in motion, so breath becomes secondary.

Physical Touch and Pressure

Your body responds to physical input in powerful ways. Sometimes you don’t need breathwork at all, just gentle pressure or touch that helps you feel safe.

Placing your hand on your heart or belly can be soothing. Hug yourself, wrap in a weighted blanket, or squeeze your shoulders. Progressive muscle relaxation—tensing and releasing muscle groups—can also release tension without focusing on breath.

Permission to Do What Actually Works

The wellness world sometimes makes it seem like deep breathing should work for everyone. When it doesn’t, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing at self-care.

You’re not failing. You’re learning what your nervous system actually needs, which may differ from others. Some bodies need movement. Some need cold. Some need pressure, sound, or sensory engagement. All of these are valid ways to bring balance.

Finding Your Go-To Practices

Notice what genuinely makes you feel better, not what you think should. If deep breathing increases anxiety, stop. If a walk or humming a song helps, do that. Your nervous system is unique, and what calms it is unique too. Experiment and find practices that serve you.

You Know Your Body Best

The next time someone tells you to “just breathe” during anxiety, you can smile knowing you have tools that actually work. Regulation isn’t one-size-fits-all. Find what helps you feel calmer and grounded, trust yourself, and let go of techniques that don’t fit. Your body will guide you if you’re willing to listen.